The Explanation

If I were completely honest with myself from the start, I'd be a lot better off. But I wasn't. To save on all the dramatics I'll put it simply: I was hurt by somebody I consider a real friend, and I still haven't recovered from it. To be honest I feel like the biggest dumbass ever, and nobody seems to see or even care where I'm coming from. "Life goes on" or "Get over it" wth kind of bull is that? I can be a dumping ground for everybody and I mean EVERYBODY baby mama drama, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, and family dysfunctions. But as soon as I go through some ish I get nothing. -___-


But I digress.


My thing is this though: I believed that this chick was my friend, I let her into my home, she met my family, my "friends" became hers, and what does she do? Turn me and my best friend against each other, ruin every budding and would-be relationship between every guy I liked or dated while she was here, and make me feel like the most insignificant thing on this earth. And I feel like that every time I think about it, its debilitating. Thats why I go so hard when somebody bring her up. Why I almost seriously considered moving states when I found out she was moving back to Atlanta. And why I ultimately decided that it been time for me to let it go.


So viola. I'm done (finally).

No love lost, but disappointment found

Last night i got the biggest load of bullshit laid on me thus far. I'm still trying to rationalize it. This....dude I *was* (PAST tense, as in no more no way no how ever again) in love with told me he doesn't believe i really love him. WTF! i spent three years of my life chasing behind him, I'd do anything for him, I cared about him so much and he says this. So much drama and tears and you say what to me? Granted I have no romantic feelings for him anymore, that still hurt my heart. 

I've always went back and forth between him and whatever guy who's in my life at the moment, and he's always won the battle. But things have definitely changed. This new cat.....yeah lol. Since he's been in my life the proverbial spell that most women, and men, fall victim to has been broken. I don't even talk to him the same. For me its always been about him, how I can make him happy, what I could and would do to make him happy. And in doing that I lost myself. As we sat there on skype and i told him that I loved him, I saw his lips curve to say, "What have you done to make me feel like you do?" 

People don't understand this love thing. For all of you who don't know, you can say "I love you" without being in love with someone. The love I have for him is unconditional, and I think thats why it hurt me so bad. Mere feelings that you have when you're in love with somebody comes and goes, but unconditional love never does. I don't know, that just really blew me. 

:(