uggh -____-

why are men so full of shxt? why why why whyyy? i dont get it i mean what's the point? i was chatting with this guy (&& i know he likes me, the feeling is mutual) and the entire convo he was trying his damnest to get me to say that i liked him. we had kinda just met, so of course i wasnt going to come right out and say it. we had been flirting for about two weeks on twitter && facebook a little, turns out we had a lot in common. so a couple subtweets and late night skype calls later i finally say it. the biggest look of relief spreads across his face then came what i had dreaded. he fixes his big fat ugly face (not really he's sooo cute lol) into a humugniferous grin. "I knew it! You sending me virtual kisses and stuff! I knew you liked me" 


LOL! thats pretty much all i could do. 


So this is where the full of shxtness comes into play: he tries to make me believe that he dont talk to girls other than me. he aint got chicks on his jock. i am not Booboo the fool. if i think he's cute, funny, and whatnot what would make me think other women wouldnt either?


Me and dude really dont talk anymore. i kept getting vibes that he's full of shxt. discernment, woman's intuition, or whatever. this always happens to me.


all i know is this:


I'm a good woman. i know that sounds uber cliche but its true. i could list all my attractive personal traits but what would be the point? i keep getting stuck with the same drama. i either get dudes who play games and bullshit or a asshole, weirdo (the unattractive kind), stalker, bugaboo, or a lazyass wannabe O.G.  wth?


ppl are so full of shxt man.

The Writer

Serenading me with words
that touch my soul
you look past my physical
& romance my spiritual being
you inspire me in ways unimaginable 
delighting in hearing
my laugh
you make me smile
at will

your sweet tidings jump off the page at me
& begin to partake in the waltz of kings around the room
calling me over to join in
you never cease to amaze me

i ask you please
use the pages of my heart to
impart in me your Bell est très
they all me to venture 
to places i've never seen 
or heard before
i yearn for them
and when i come back down from this high
i sit back & smile to myself
thank you sir for your literary
Genius

Epiphany

no matter how strong we try to convince we are, we cant hide when we're hurt. i am no exception. letting go of someone you care about hurts. but it hurts even worse when that person has absolutely no regard for your feelings. especially when you let them know what they're doing is affecting you negatively. i could tell the story in its entirety but it wouldn't change anything so what's the point?

i let this person into my life, my home, my heart and look at me. i'm up at 4 a.m. almost in tears. someone i called my best friend turned out to be somebody i don't even recognize anymore. i cant understand it. i'm mad, upset, and i feel like an idiot. i used the excuse that, "oh she's my friend, i love her". i couldn't live with myself if i just threw her away like a piece of garbage. i felt so guilty even thinking about it. i always felt so alone but i didnt with her so i held on and, despite the things that transpired, i let her stay around. until i couldnt anymore.

i confronted her.

it went exactly the way i thought it would. i know what i wanted to say, but if i said it the way i thought it...one word: fireworks. and i wasnt trying to even go there. i was so worried about hurting her feelings, because in my head she didnt know how i was feeling, or what she was doing. instead of dropping f-bombs, or bxtches, hoes, and slores i said this, " i dont want people to see what you're doing and get the wrong idea about you. because i know you're not like that. and i'm only saying this to you because i love you." and after all this, after that long speech you know what the hell i got back?

a " where is this all coming from? did you just keep all this inside until you couldnt take it no more?" and after that a sad, sorry excuse to get off the phone (a boldface LIE) was given and that was it. or so i thought. you know twitter and facebook are funny little things. you actually can see how a person feels without them actually saying it to you verbally. but it lets you know exactly how they feel.  not going to get into what was said but lets just say i got the hint.

it wasnt until then that i actually saw who she was for the first time during this "friendship". a scared little girl who cant commit to anything, someone who is terribly lost and confused about where she's going in life, and a trollop. but i'm not moved. this heffa is old enough to know better. i was right there in her face and she could've said all that to me and she didnt. she went and told the free world about it excluding me. i am so sorry but we are too damn old for that.

and to show you how she operates even more, she comes to atlanta (where i live) and decides not to stay with me and my family. mind you every single time she comes to visit she stays with us. didnt say anything about that. but what i find absolutely hilarious is who she's staying with. a girl, thanks to her, i'm no longer cool with but thats another story not even worth mentioning. but anyway, she's staying with this girl that she STAY dipping out on. it never fails. every time she comes to visit, the girl will want to chill and she makes up some excuse as to why we cant come. or she just doesnt call her at all.

the funny thing is that this girl knows a looooot of people here, and she gets in the club for free. she goes to a lot of parties too. and up until then she hasnt hung out with this chick at all. i had absolutely no problem with  hanging out with her, i thought she was real cool people. the couple times we did hang i had a lot of fun. i remember new years my "buddy" was supposed to visit and the three of us were going to spend it together. i was so for it and then this kid comes out of left field with, " we should make up some story about you having to work in the morning and go some place else, i dont wannt be bothered with them like that. she trying to do too much." i took it as her just wanting it to be us and she not being comfortable not telling her. but she ended up not coming in town.

i've been so upset. i talked to my uncle, aunt, and mother about it. most of the time i dont pay attention to my mother because i think she's crazy but she actually made sense. go mom lol. but they're really wise ppl, especially my uncle. he told me, "niece, when someone shows you who they are you react accordingly. you showed her your cards, let her know how you feel, and now you know how she is." he also told me i was doing something to attract ppl like her (unorganized, confused, with no moral compass in sight). and i know why.
i've been too passive.  too concerned with hurting people's feelings. instead of telling people about themselves and calling them out on their foolishness, i've let it slide. every time. and look where its gotten me. looking at this whole situation i've definitely learned to be more vocal about things. and i'm glad i've handled it properly. at times i;ve gotten a little thrown off track and pretty damn pissed because i'm too good of a person and a friend for anyone to treat me like that.

but at the end of the day it comes down to this: Life is too short for me to let one person ruin my mood, how i operate, or my forward progress. i shouldnt let the selfish acts of other ppl get me off track because there are tons of people that love and care so much about me. and those ppl are much better for me to have around. God put me in this situation for a reason, to let me know that i shouldnt put my trust in ppl because they will let you down sometimes. but He'll be there for me every time. every time i want to get upset, or nauseated when i see her flexing her ass off on facebook or twitter, or mad that she hurt me i have to remember this. i have some of the greatest friends and loved ones in the world and i wouldnt give them up for anything, this whole passive drama on fb and twitter is just a big hot ass mess. i hope she finds her way and my prayer for her is that i hope she finds at least one person to let her know exactly how me and everybody else that knows her feels. because i am not the only one that feels this way.

life is full of speed bumps, this was just one of mine. there will be plenty more. a number of good things came from all this, and one of them would be this epiphany i've had. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. elanor roosevelt said that, very smart woman. i'll carry that thought with me always.